When a child is diagnosed with cancer, it’s natural to want to offer emotional support and encouragement. However, some common phrases, while well-meaning, can be more harmful than helpful. They can unintentionally minimize the child’s experience or put pressure on the family to stay positive and strong.
Here are some things to avoid saying, along with explanations of why they can be problematic.
These phrases can place unnecessary pressure on the child or family to stay positive and strong throughout their cancer journey. While intended as encouragement, they imply that if the child fights harder, they’ll win. This can make a child with cancer feel responsible for their recovery. This can lead to guilt if treatments do not go as planned or if they don’t feel strong enough to "keep fighting."
Telling a child to “be brave” or “be strong” can suggest that they need to suppress their fear, pain, or sadness. Children should be allowed to express their emotions without feeling like they are letting others down by not being brave or strong enough. These phrases may lead to emotional isolation as they feel pressure to hide their real feelings.
Offering reassurance like “it will be okay” can come across as dismissive. The reality is that cancer treatments are uncertain, and promising a positive outcome can give false hope. Families dealing with a cancer diagnosis are often navigating complex emotions and fears, and it’s important to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.
While “get well” and “feel better” are common expressions of care, they don’t reflect the long and uncertain nature of cancer treatment. The child may not feel better for a long time due to the effects of treatment, and these phrases can minimize the seriousness of what they’re going through.
Even if you have experienced illness or loss, saying “I know how you feel” can diminish the uniqueness of the child’s or family’s experience. Each person’s journey with cancer is different, and this phrase may make them feel like their pain is being dismissed or generalized.
While offering to help is kind, asking the family to tell you how to help places the burden on them to ask for support. In the midst of managing treatment schedules, hospital visits, and overwhelming emotions, it can be hard for families to pinpoint specific ways others can help. Instead, offer concrete ways you can support them, like dropping off meals, running errands, or offering to drive them to appointments.
Unless you are a healthcare professional directly involved in the child’s care, giving unsolicited medical advice can be overwhelming and confusing for the family. Every cancer case is unique, and they are already working with a team of doctors to make the best decisions for their child’s treatment. Offering advice you have heard elsewhere, like alternative treatments or miracle cures, can add unnecessary stress.
Comparing a child’s cancer to an adult’s or a pet’s experience is both inappropriate and dismissive. Cancer in children can present differently than in adults, and every situation is unique. Comparing their journey to that of an adult family member, friend, or even a pet can minimize the gravity of the child’s condition and make them feel like their experience isn’t being taken seriously.
Instead of offering phrases that put pressure on the family or the child, try these alternatives and read our blog with positive messages for cancer patients.
- All-Star James' mom, MaryBeth Meyer