Pinky Swear Blog

Things not to say when a child is diagnosed with cancer

Things not to say when a child is diagnosed with cancer
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When a child is diagnosed with cancer, it’s natural to want to offer emotional support and encouragement. However, some common phrases, while well-meaning, can be more harmful than helpful. They can unintentionally minimize the child’s experience or put pressure on the family to stay positive and strong.

Here are some things to avoid saying, along with explanations of why they can be problematic.  

Phrases not to say to a child with cancer or a parent facing childhood cancer:

  1. "You got this" / "Keep fighting" / "Don’t give up"

These phrases can place unnecessary pressure on the child or family to stay positive and strong throughout their cancer journey. While intended as encouragement, they imply that if the child fights harder, they’ll win. This can make a child with cancer feel responsible for their recovery. This can lead to guilt if treatments do not go as planned or if they don’t feel strong enough to "keep fighting."

  1. "Be brave" / "Be strong" / "Be courageous"

Telling a child to “be brave” or “be strong” can suggest that they need to suppress their fear, pain, or sadness. Children should be allowed to express their emotions without feeling like they are letting others down by not being brave or strong enough. These phrases may lead to emotional isolation as they feel pressure to hide their real feelings.

  1. "It will be okay"

Offering reassurance like “it will be okay” can come across as dismissive. The reality is that cancer treatments are uncertain, and promising a positive outcome can give false hope. Families dealing with a cancer diagnosis are often navigating complex emotions and fears, and it’s important to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.

  1.  All-Star James"Get well" / "Feel better"

While “get well” and “feel better” are common expressions of care, they don’t reflect the long and uncertain nature of cancer treatment. The child may not feel better for a long time due to the effects of treatment, and these phrases can minimize the seriousness of what they’re going through.

  1. "I know how you feel"

Even if you have experienced illness or loss, saying “I know how you feel” can diminish the uniqueness of the child’s or family’s experience. Each person’s journey with cancer is different, and this phrase may make them feel like their pain is being dismissed or generalized.

  1. "Let me know how I can help"

While offering to help is kind, asking the family to tell you how to help places the burden on them to ask for support. In the midst of managing treatment schedules, hospital visits, and overwhelming emotions, it can be hard for families to pinpoint specific ways others can help. Instead, offer concrete ways you can support them, like dropping off meals, running errands, or offering to drive them to appointments.

  1. Any unsolicited medical advice

Unless you are a healthcare professional directly involved in the child’s care, giving unsolicited medical advice can be overwhelming and confusing for the family. Every cancer case is unique, and they are already working with a team of doctors to make the best decisions for their child’s treatment. Offering advice you have heard elsewhere, like alternative treatments or miracle cures, can add unnecessary stress.

  1. Any comparisons to an adult or pet who had cancer

Comparing a child’s cancer to an adult’s or a pet’s experience is both inappropriate and dismissive. Cancer in children can present differently than in adults, and every situation is unique. Comparing their journey to that of an adult family member, friend, or even a pet can minimize the gravity of the child’s condition and make them feel like their experience isn’t being taken seriously.

All-Star James and his dadWhat to say to kids with cancer and their parents instead:

Instead of offering phrases that put pressure on the family or the child, try these alternatives and read our blog with positive messages for cancer patients

  • “I am here for you, no matter what.”
  • “I cannot imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen.”
  • “How are you feeling today?”
  • “I’m bringing dinner over on Tuesday—is that okay?”
  • “I’m thinking of you and your family.”

All-Star James and his familyThe key is to offer genuine support and empathy without adding to the emotional weight the family is already carrying. Being present and offering specific, tangible ways to help will go a long way in building a cancer support community for the family. 

- All-Star James' mom, MaryBeth Meyer

 

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